Reasons Why I Drink Beer!

Story by J. Anonymou

Note: The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of RetoxMagazine.com

1) Beer is a unifying force for good and liberty in a dangerous world.

Hitler was teetotal and never drank any alcohol. Winston Churchill who led the free world against Hitler and the Nazis had champagne for breakfast, beer for lunch and scotch for dinner and said in 1944 to his Secretary of War as the allies invaded Nazi Germany, "Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop." There you have it. Beer won World War II. If it’s good enough to defeat the Nazis, it's good enough for me!

2) Beer prevents disease. Strange but true.

As you know the French get health benefits from red wine. However beer is made from grains and contains vitamins, mainly the B ones! It also contains calcium, protein and lots of other goodies. It’s fat free and studies have shown that moderate beer consumption, 2 beers a day, reduces your chance of a heart attack or a stroke. As a man concerned about his health and figure, why would I not drink?

3) Beer has survived longer than most religions.

According to my research which I somehow managed to conduct while chugging down a couple of pints late last night, beer was apparently first used by the ancient Egyptians 3000BC as a homeopathic remedy. It is said to have been used in gum-disease treatment, dressing for wounds, and even as an anal fumigant - a vapor-borne pesticide to treat diseases of the anus. However more recent discoveries show that people in China and what is now Iran, then Mesopotamia, were brewing 7000 years ago! So I am thinking, anything that lasts that long has to be good for you!

4) Beer is a healthy breakfast you do not need to chew.

Beer has long since been known as liquid bread. Yet in the public consciousness of many societies, beer and bread occupy rather different moral standing. Well, get over it! A toast?

5) Beer gives Belgium a reason to exist.

Name three famous Belgians... Go on! Try it! Non-fictitious either! Still struggling?.. Now think of three good Belgian beers... Much easier! And Belgium also makes great chips. No wonder the Belgians do not make the effort to be famous! They are too happy getting drunk!

6) Beer helps ugly people reproduce.

We have all looked at a couple and wondered “How?” However after a few beers even the ugliest person can look good, and that helps the human race keep doing.

7) Beer makes the world look prettier.

It is true, nothing is in sharp focus. Everything becomes nice and soft looking and a bit hazy… It is akin to living in a dream.

8) Beer keeps people in work.

In the grips of a global recession it’s important to do what we can to keep people working. When I drink beer, the bar tender, bar owner, brewer, delivery person, farmer, nurse - all keep their jobs providing me with beer.

9) Beer helps you sleep.

Everyone knows we need 8 hours of sleep a night. Insomnia is bad for you leading to ill health and stress. I care about my health! And so I drink beer before I sleep.

10) Beer comes from God, and he wants us to be happy.

That’s not me talking, but Benjamin Franklin, a founding father of the USA. Actually the quote is "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy".

11) Beer gives you a national Identity...

Frank Zappa said "You cannot be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline, or maybe some kind of a football team, and perhaps a nuclear weapon?... but you have to have a beer!" India has Kingfisher beer and the airline, thanks to Vijay Mallya, give that man a cigar! USA has Budweiser, France has Kronenberg, Australia has Stein, Germany has Becks and England has too many to mention!

12) Beer brings people together, even those that don’t drink alcohol!

A very little known fact is that nearly every well-known brand of beer has a non-alcoholic version. So if you have a friend that does not drink they can look like they are having as much fun as the rest of you!

13) Beer helps us understand cricket.

Silly Leg Off is not a position in the Karma Sutra deigned by Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. But it is a new cricket position, which you would have to be silly and drunk to play in!

14) Beer makes me funnier.

Everyone laughs more at your jokes when you, and they, have had a couple of beers. Here’s one: three men drinking on the top of a building in New York. One says, "it’s a little known fact that when you are drunk you can jump off the Empire State Building, fly around it, and land here." "Rubbish," says the second man. So the first man jumps, fly’s around and lands. Amazed, the second man jumps and... falls to his death. The third man raising his head from his drink exclaims "You’re a shit when you are drunk, Superman!"

15) Beer makes good games better.

Fuzzy duck, fuzzy duck, does he? Ducky fuzz, ducky fuzz, does he? Now try that game after 5 beers! Basically play to your left (with friends), "Fuzzy duck," until someone says "Does he?" Then you change direction "Ducky fuzz." Every time someone gets it wrong they down a beer.

Beer is a life long study and apparently beer can actually be good for you! Shocking news, right?

So, bottoms up!!!