Transylvanian Crisis

Submitted by Mrs Goga from Transylvania

Note: The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of RetoxMagazine.com

Decomposing finger. Image by Lin Vitali.

Dear Retox Magazine,

I live near a cemetery in Transylvania. Recently the cemetery has been taken over by a massive corporate construction company for a development project. They have therefore instigated to move the cemetery to a different location outside of Transylvania.

This matter is not funny. Unfortunately, they have started digging around the cemetery without any respect to the dead, and this is unacceptable in Transylvania. Just recently I had a decomposing finger dropped by a crow on my balcony.

Not only did the local heart-ticking residents found this extremely disturbing but so did the dead.

Just two days ago there was a corpse-visitor raising a severe threat to our residential block. The visitor’s name was Mircea Popescu, grave number 369. The Romanian threatened that if we do not stop this ludicrous shuffling of their corpses, there would be an uprising of the dead in Transylvania!

Not only that we live in fear of zombie riots, but we have regular ghostly appearances too. Three nights ago my goldfish got airlifted from the fish tank and it spoke to my husband saying:

“Leave us alone or your balls will end up in the fish tank…”

While you are laughing as you probably find it funny, our local community residents are experiencing further hounding. We have received a letter from Dracul Dragomir, written in blood, which in the essence of it explains that we now have to start paying the TDTDT (Transylvanian Disturbance of The Dead Tax) to the Transylvanian Prince Vlad Draculea a.k.a. The Count Dracula.

Despite our community opposition to the disturbance of the dead in the first place, Prince Vlad Draculea is now implementing further actions to make us pay for the doings of that big corporate construction company:

1. He sends his deadly vamps to seduce our husbands, and then they drain the men’s blood to feed their members of the Transylvanian underworld. This is a penalty method, which compensates for the disturbance of the dead and at the same time feeds the underworld. (Please refer to the Transylvanian Law of The Underworld, Disturbance of The Dead, Taxation Act 1).

2. Princess Draguta appears in our community on the full moon nights and seizes a baby and a virgin and enslaves our grandmothers to make 2000 Bloody Marries (using the actual blood instead of the tomato juice), so that she, the count and half of the Transylvanian underworld could have a party!

3. Some of our beloved pets have also gone missing.

We have contacted the corporate construction company in question and the local government but nothing has been done.

We all live in fear and have little hope left. Can Retox Magazine please advice us what further action we could take?

Sincerely and in fear,

Mrs Helga Goga, Transylvania.

Reply from Doctor Pole Paul Pawl:

Dear Mrs Goga,

In regards to the missing pets, please consider checking your local area for goblins. You can find more details on the topic of Goblins in our article The dirty sexy nasty goblins.

As for the rest, there is hope yet. We recommend that you get off LSD.

Sincerely and concerned,

Dr. Pole Paul Pawl

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