Nostalgia on the plane

Story by Viveka Tizmi

Note: The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of RetoxMagazine.com

Photograph by Vincent Au

Flying cattle class was a painful chore before and it is worse now. When it comes to the long-haul flights, it almost is no point flying unless we can afford business class or find a biz class ticket at a mega discount. And even then, of course, you don't escape the security mess. The last minute boarding, the luxury of running late and still being able to run to the gate and make it onto the flight is now a story that is being told and will be passed on to future generations.

Gone are the days when you could start your holiday with a mile-high bang. Now the flight attendants are getting paid for their roles as pit bulls guarding those lav doors, and if the two of you are trying to enter the toilet on the sly you WILL get caught. The flight attendants will swarm around the toilet door threatening to tear your head off for terrorising the compact water closet (WC), and there you’ll have it – an unfulfilled scandalous start to your holiday.

Ok, let's talk coach class and skip serving steamed orchids and caviar. In-flight meals are now completely atrocious. It is not that we are demanding a gourmet menu on a 2-hour flight. Hardly. But simple, plain and nice food on a 10-hour flight is a necessity we are often deprived of. The pillows and blankets are running scarce. Peanuts have disappeared all together. And as the height of an average man increases, the leg space seems to somewhat be shrinking. The improved interactive entertainment systems often seem not to work on select seating and as per my previous experience on many airlines, little do the flight attendants do about it.

What used to be a carriage system of decently groomed and civil individuals has now become a cattle carriage of the sky carrying stinky shabby characters who hadn’t changed their t-shirts for over a week! And the quiet cultured kids that used to patiently succumb to the pains of lying have now become the chair kicking and squealing parasites driving other passengers to severe insanity. Sadly civility has gone out of the window.

The new absurdity on extra charges for bags, pillows, meals, pre-booking seats, telephone bookings, propriety boarding, luggage fees, plastic bags, etc. is ludicrous and ironic. Ryan Air is now planning to charge for the toilets. Think about it, the stingier passengers will be sneaking a leak at the back of the aisle! That is just grouse and most certainly unhygienic. Airlines should just charge for everything in the ticket like before, and provide efficient and courteous service. Never mind, at least this way we have something to get nostalgic about.

Today, the only cure for the nostalgic reminiscence of the old flights is to exercise one’s fantasy about what an ideal flight could be. My fantasy flight includes exclusive seating in the "No Children Class" and a vacuum-packed tobacco rollie presented along with the headphones and the disposable toothbrush.

I certainly don’t ask for much, do I?