Moving into the freezer

Written by Viveka Tizmi

Note: The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of RetoxMagazine.com

Photo by Vincent Au

What are the benefits of parking your butt in a colder environment?

It’s cold. It is truly very cold. You have never lived there before, the freezing cold is biting your rosy-come-purple cheeks and “White Christmas” is no longer just a song. Quite frankly, unless you are my dinner to be, preserved and kept in the deep freezer, there are hardly any benefits to being frozen, except for the following:

Within that small handful of benefits of moving to live in a colder environment (we mean a much much colder environment!!) include the following:

1. It gets so cold that your feet shrink by half or up to an entire size, giving you an opportunity to finally wear your fashionable and undersized shoe collection members without having to suffer much pain. This one is a tested theory, and it works! Your shoes shall no longer be a part of your shoe museum. Your shoes shall now be a part of your life and get some real life snow beating!

2. You do not have to shower. You don’t sweat, you don’t stink, you just don’t need to shower! All of a sudden the joke of “save water, bathe with a friend” becomes irrelevant, inapt, and just overused. The new and adjusted version would flow like this: “save water, move to a colder environment!”

3. It may change your perspective towards masochism. When everyone around you is into that kind of a thing, what else is there left to do but to restructure your perspective? As humans we instinctively gravitate towards warmth and heat. At least we do so when we are in a cold place. In continental Europe however, they are more ‘sophisticated’ in identifying the benefits of the cold. These guys can tear themselves from a warm bath and plunge themselves into an ice-cold pool. Please note: apparently this is NOT a form of torture.

4. And finally, if you randomly die you may have a chance of being preserved and millenniums later found just like that 5300 year old Oetzi guy of the Schnalstal glacier in the Italian Alps. Who knows, by the year 7000 (assuming that the 2012 end of the world is a stupid and pointless hysteria), they may even bring you back to life! Think about it. If today they can tell that the 5300 year old Copper Age man was most likely infertile – according to this DNA science stuff, then in another 5000 years they’ll be able to bring you back to life and probably reproduce your potential babies which you have never had! And not only that they’ll mysteriously know your first name, like our guy Oetzi, but by then they may also figure out your surname, and even your father’s name! Now that is telepathy!

…Unless Oetzi was named after his area code – the Oetzal area to the north of the Alps, which is a more likely possibility!

5. And of cource, skiing.

Can you think of other reasons? …Well, we can’t. We are busy looking for directions to the nearest beach!